Today is the first day of my third internship at a church. It is common at my school for students to take an internhip every summer of their College life as preparation for going straight into ministry. There are very few who go on straight to their Masters, certainly not in my neck of the woods, which is Children's ministry. I know a couple of CM's with their Masters Degree, but none who majored in CE and then went on to get a masters in a ministry field. All of this is to say basically that most people who graduate from Harding with a ministry degree go straight into that field and stay firmly planted there. They don't achieve higher educations, they don't bother with going on, and so the 2+ summers they spend with internships are great experience.
I have found in my situation however that this may or may not be the best thing for me. I feel like I am as qualified as any CM I know. This feeling leads me to not use my internships as learning experiences, but rather as sounding boards, a place to test what I know, and prove that I am capable. Last summer this had disastrous results wheny my boss percieved these actions on my part not as competence, but rather, as presumption. She thought that I was too cocky, to self assured, too good at my job, and it made her attack me and everything I did. It was very alarming, and led to some bad times for me and my thoughts about ministry.
This summer should be different. I am interning at the church I have volunteered at for 4 years, and I am volunteering with someone who expects me to be good at my job. Todd does not want me to be a doting amateur wandering around asking questions. I have responsibilities, jobs to do, and he expects me to do them with relatively little involvement on his part. This is good for me, but leads to further feelings of being ready and wondering why I am on the track I am on.
Why am I going to grad school? I have made the statement to a friend of mine several times that "the more education I get the more sure I am that I am never going to be a Children's Minister" This may seem strange, but the more I go and go and go, the more I realize that while I love working in a church, I wonder if it is where I am supposed to be. And yet, I trek on to grad school because I know I must, even it means shifting my paradigms once again.
This day has spurned many thoughts and has brought about a lot of feelings. More than anything though, it feels like more of the same. I have been here, done that, and the routine is comforting.
As I came to realize recently however, God is not in my routine, but rather in my changing life. God pushes me to change, and that change pushes me to grow, and that growth pushes me closer to God.
Oh well, back to my routine.
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